by Amber Jesse
My mom really loved my dad, and I think he really did try to love her back. Together, they brought me and my big brother Cliff into the world, and they wanted to make us a happy family. But our family broke and fell to pieces. I cried my eyes out on their bed, as mom told us she was divorcing him. I was only eight years old. I understand now that she couldn’t live anymore with his unwillingness to get the help he needed for his depression and mental illness. He often stayed home while she worked full-time at the courthouse and we were dropped off at mediocre babysitters, the only one’s mom could afford. When I was 11, my mom cried as she told me that my dad would be spending the rest of his life in prison. He had shot a man to death. I remember my young and puzzled brain, trying to make sense of it. I think I went into survival mode. My immediate response was, “It doesn’t matter. I’m fine. He was nothing but a sperm donor to me.” Looking back, I can see that I was traumatized. My mom was limited in her understanding and ability to walk us through a healthy, healing process. She tried to bring it up throughout the years, but I had made it an “off-limits” topic. I was ashamed and terrified that people would find out that I was the daughter of a murderer. “Anguish” isn’t too strong a word to describe how I felt realizing I had lost my dad forever. In the middle of my senior year of high school, my mom was diagnosed with a gastrointestinal stromal tumor. In other words, cancer. She died only four months later. I remember a conversation we had maybe a month before. She said, “Amber, there will be times in your life when you think, ‘I wish my mom was here,’ but I want you to know that I already know. I already know that you’ll do so many amazing things in your life.” Since then, I’ve been on quite a journey! After graduating from college and spending a very inspiring summer in Pemba Mozambique, I was invited to move into Downtown Phoenix , to start community of people called “Apprenticeship to Jesus, (A2J for short).” These past eight years, we’ve tried to walk closely together, on a common path into the beautiful heart of Jesus. I’m so thankful for how God has surprised me with this miracle of community! It’s been a safe harbor where I’ve consistently felt known and cared for, and where I’ve had a sense that I belong. Our shared life has also been a place of transformation; we’ve come to understand that relationships are the context where God matures, heals, and forms us in Love. When I moved into the A2J community I was very passionate about Jesus, but I was also more injured than I knew. I was limping, spiritually and emotionally. I was extremely sensitive and when a wound got touched I lashed out at the people who loved me the best. My A2J family supported me through a much-needed season of mourning. I pinned this large burlap cross above my bed and, for two solid months, I wept and ached in the presence of God. My community also gave me the courage to begin unpacking my painful places with a professional counselor. Over these years, I’ve experienced significant growth and heart-healing that, upon reflection, causes me to gasp in amazement. What’s even more amazing is that my brother Cliff decided to jump on board! Cliff is one of my best friends and one of my very favorite people. You should see him! The love of God has completely transformed him, along with his beautiful wife and kids. It’s been a dramatic and beautiful thing to behold. Four years ago, my brother called me up and said “Amber, I think it’s time for us to go visit our dad.” We had reconnected with our dad through letters, but we’d never gone to see him in prison. I knew Cliff was right, it was time. So, we sent him a postcard to let him know we were coming and, before hearing anything back from him, we drove the eighteen hours to the Polunsky Unit in Livingston, Texas to visit our dad for the first time. We hadn’t seen his face or heard his voice in over fifteen years. My heart was pounding as I sat at that picnic table waiting for him to come. His letters had revealed significant mental illness and instability, so we had no idea if he would even come out, or how he would respond to us. Would he be angry or overwhelmed? Would he say strange things? I wasn’t even sure how he felt about me. Would we hug? Would that feel weird? I looked up and saw a frail inmate in an all-white jumpsuit. He had grey hair, and he was unfamiliar. “Well, that’s not him,” I whispered to my brother. But as he came a bit closer, Cliff leaned over and said, “that is him!” When our eyes met, my dad gave a hesitant smile. I found myself jumping out of my seat as he sped his own steps. We threw our arms around each other and I said, “Hi dad.” As tears welled up in his eyes, my dad said, “do you remember the last time I saw you? I’ve replayed it over and over in my mind. I just can’t remember if I hugged you… if I told you that I love you.” Our visit inspired me to write a song called Freedom Road. It’s been a long road, learning what it means to forgive my dad for all the ways he wasn’t there for me when I needed him. I’m still learning to trust God with my dad. This process has opened my heart and allowed love to grow and to blossom. Since then, our dad has sent me a lot of his amazing original artwork, and I’ve created art books that I’ve sent back to him. He said to me “they’re the best gifts I’ve ever received and that comes right from the center of my heart!” As I sort through all his creations, I feel so proud of him and thankful that we've found this way to collaborate and make something beautiful together. I cannot imagine the pain of spending life in prison, let alone with his serious mental illness, and in one of the harshest prisons in America. He's starting to become more open with me, even sending a drawing of the inside of his cell. Art helps this dad and his kids to connect.
Last month, my brother and I went back for a second visit. It went beyond our hopes. We arrived on the rare picture day and were able to get a photo with our dad! I was so excited! We didn’t even think that was possible. Our dad has the sweetest smile. Cliff says that it’s his favorite thing about our visits. This time, dad shared stories from his childhood that made our hearts hurt, and helped us to understand him so much more. He sang for us a new song he had written. Yep, it turns out all three of us are songwriters! His song was gentle and emotional, and his tears made his chin quiver as he sang. He said it was the best visit ever, and that he felt like “a free man, outside of the fences.” We all agreed together that God is restoring so much in our family. As we were leaving, and he was headed back to his cell, I got this urge and I ran back over to give him another hug. It caught him off guard, and he smiled. We left that prison with a mix of joy and sorrow in our hearts. I remember my mom’s words. “Amber, there will be times in your life when you think, ‘I wish my mom was here,’ but I want you to know that I already know. I already know that you’ll do so many amazing things in your life.” I feel an ache as I read those words. I wish my mom was here to see this photo.
31 Comments
11/1/2016 07:05:55 am
Tears came to my eyes reading this, Amber. And it will be very meaningful to Amy, when I send it to her. Ask me why the next time we see each other. Much love from CTR & Elgin!
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Ryan Thurman
11/1/2016 08:12:44 am
Thanks Amber for sharing so genuinely and vulnerably your journey with us! Your story highlights the loving-kindness and mercy of our God!
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Eliana
11/1/2016 08:24:53 am
My heart is so happy for you guys....
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Cliff Hunter
11/1/2016 09:00:15 am
Beautifully done, Amber. This is a redemption story worth sharing. God's beauty from the ashes of our lives.
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Daniel Malakowsky
11/1/2016 09:15:31 am
Amber, this is such a beautiful and redemptive story. Thank you for your courage to share it with us!
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Shannon Baker
11/1/2016 10:04:31 am
Well, I balled my eyes out with that one! ;) So beyond thankful for God's redemption and healing in your family story and what He has done in all of your hearts. Praise God!!!!!
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Teresa
11/1/2016 10:21:52 am
So transparent, deep and beautifully put, thank you Amber, Jesus is so kind in our brokenness to bring wholeness
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Olivia
11/1/2016 11:03:31 am
Absolutely beautiful. My heart breaks for your pain and the wrong things that you had to experience, it pounds with thankfulness and gladness that you have mended and overcome and actively healed while reaching out to offer healing to everyone around you. Thank you for sharing this story, as well as sharing your life!
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Olivia
11/9/2016 10:42:00 am
My heart is warmed by your response, Olivia! Thank you for letting your heart hurt with me, and also for celebrating with me the healing and restoration that has come. :D
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Rosina Jesse (Mom)
11/1/2016 11:13:51 am
You are beautiful Amber, and so filled with Gods love and forgiveness, Thank you for sharing your heart, you pull my heart strings every time, and the flood gates open!
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Maria
11/1/2016 11:31:34 am
That was awesome. It brought tears to my eyes. I didn't know that you had gone through such an ordeal. Thank you for sharing.
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Amber Jesse
11/9/2016 10:43:47 am
Thank you, Maria, for sharing this response!
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Cecily
11/1/2016 12:42:15 pm
Dear Amber,
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Abigail Reuss
11/1/2016 12:53:00 pm
So beautiful. Thank you for sharing Amber!
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Justin
11/1/2016 01:29:11 pm
Amber,
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Amber Jesse
11/9/2016 10:45:14 am
Thank you, Justin! Yes! This is my hope in sharing, that others will find hope for their own stories. :)
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dona
11/1/2016 08:00:30 pm
This is a beautifully tender expression of your love Amber.. of Jesus love through you. I know your mom is smiling over this and Jesus too! :-) and me too :-) thank you for sharing - it is truly spoke to some sealed areas of my own heart. Love you dear heart <3
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Jen Baca
11/1/2016 08:58:09 pm
Crying but so thankful to recount God's faithfulness and love in your life. Thankful that you have openly shared your process with us. May God continue to recieve all the Glory. I feel like you left a permenant smile in his heart! Thank you God for your loving kindness! Thank you Amber!
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Aunt Carnit
11/1/2016 09:27:43 pm
Sometimes, our hardest times in life, make our greatest testimony! Your relationship with our Daddy in heaven has made it all possible! The Miracle of picture day, only Jesus could have made that happen! That's a lifetime sustainer right there! Yey, Jesus! I know the angels are singing, as your story Glorifies Our Blessed Trinity. As your sister in Christ, I am so proud of you for doing the hard work and praising God for bringing you into our family. God Bless you and your family! I'm so happy for the time we've been able to share and looking forward to more and more! XXX
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Audrey Arnold
11/2/2016 02:49:29 am
Amber, I feel so much love for you and your family through this post. Thank you for sharing your strength and vulnerability with the world!
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Amber Jesse
11/9/2016 10:47:00 am
Audrey, thank you for taking time to offer this sweet encouragement. It makes my heart smile!
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Joe Martinson
11/2/2016 06:54:23 am
Amber, thank you so much for recording this. I felt like I connected with you and your story so much more hearing it through your own voice. Thank you for having the courage to share your story and for allowing others to see the redemption that God can bring to the broken places in our lives. I needed this.
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Mary L Bankhead
11/2/2016 12:38:55 pm
There is so many words I could type but I will type and share this only:
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Amber Jesse
11/9/2016 10:50:37 am
Indeed. :)
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Sandra Comly
11/3/2016 02:16:35 pm
Ya you made me cry. You and Cliff have always amazed me, your mom was an amazing woman as well, I was lucky to have known her. Big hearts have more room for love
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Amber Jesse
11/9/2016 10:52:49 am
Thanks so much, Sandra! Especially for the sweet and true words about my momma. :) Yes, more room for love!
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Ed &Kathleen Jesse (G-ma and G-pa)
11/3/2016 05:37:52 pm
Amber, we just want to HUG you!! That was so heart warming and we are so sorry for all you have been through, but look what God did with the pieces of a broken heart. Love you !
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Amber Jesse
11/9/2016 10:56:08 am
Hi Ed and Kathleen. It's a special gift to get to hear from you! Thank you so much for taking time to read my story, and offer such a sweet response. It warms my heart so much. :) And yes, it's amazing to see what God can do with a broken heart.
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Jaime Kesler
11/12/2016 05:40:13 pm
I cried as I read this. I am so proud of you and Cliff. What an honor to have had a front row seat in your lives. What an honor to have known your mom. God has taught me so much through you, Amber. Thanks for being a genuine and vulnerable person who loves Jesus and loves people. To God be the glory!
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Jonathan
7/16/2017 03:38:01 pm
Quite a story. Is there a way to subscribe to this blog?
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Justan
7/17/2017 11:42:09 am
Thanks for reading Jonathan! I'll make sure you are on our email list. —Justan
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